wow - why hadn't i thought to *do* this before?

i have a ton (and i mean a ton, almost literally) of lion's brand wool and paton's that i stocked up on when i was learning to knit. i only bought pretty colors but i quickly became a yarn snob and at this point i've become so super picky that there are only about a half-dozen types of wool that i'm willing to knit with. well, to clarify, i will almost knit anything but i won't wear or expect my children to wear anything but some of the finest wool out there. that said. i have a ton of itchy, but pretty wool in a drawer.

and now i finally know what to do with it! http://goodmama.typepad.com/goodmama/2008/05/make-your-own-wool-dryer-balls.html

i'm going to make my own wool dryer balls!!! i will, of course, test them out on my clothing first before i convince my mate (the only one in the house that uses commercial dryer sheets) that they're useful and harmless to his business attire. see, i had no problem buying dryer sheets when we were buying other shaklee cleaning products on a regular basis, but we didn't stock up and the shipping is too high to justify ordering *just* the sheets. i was also a fan, previously, of the method dryer sheets found at target. but last time i was there? they were nowhere to be found. so i was forced to buy regular (meaning not "green", not "chemical-free", not "natural" and most definitely not "biodegradable") dryer sheets for my mate as he had been complaining about his crunchy shirts and i heard this complaint more than once and it almost sounded like, "don't come back home from target without dryer sheets...or else!"

the things i will do for love!

but now, maybe i've found a solution to please us all. i get a project to use up yarn i wouldn't otherwise use. he gets soft clothes, and i don't have to worry about the build-up of chemical softners in my dryer. hopefully the dryer balls don't get linty and pilly - that's my only concern, which is why i'm sure i'll be testing them out for a long while before i can convince him to use them ;)

my crafty (and lofty) goals for the upcoming year

i never make new year's resolutions, or i do and never stick to them.

generally, i view the making of resolutions as something that should be ongoing, not just given attention when one year is ending and another is beginning because it's tradition. i feel that most positive, fueled-by-hope, steps toward change can have negative effects when we don't live up to our own expectations or meet certain goals and somehow new year's resolutions fall under this category because it seems, for me anyway, that it's a time when we can "go all out" so to speak and write down whatever comes to mind, regardless of how unattainable some of it may be.

then there's the part of me that believes in infinite possibility and the abundance of the universe and i tell myself that nothing is unattainable. the only thing stopping oneself, is oneself. but still, i can't get out of this partly cynical loop when thinking of resolutions.

all that said, and who knows why i felt like sharing it, i am still making plans for the year ahead. many include ways to make art and use that form of expression as i feel it slipping away while little children suck the life out of me. not really, but gestating and lactating can be very draining and aside from knitting and some paintings i did shortly after the birth of my second son, i have had almost no need for a creative outlet because i don't feel moved to create much of anything. i haven't written a poem in who knows how long.

other things include plans to be a more present and mindful mother. of course sitting on the computer, trying to type this out, as my toddler says he wants me off, is probably not a very good start. but it's still december and he's having fun spinning on his papa's office chair next to me, waiting for me to get him a chocolate "poin" (also known as a coin, but don't worry. they're from trader joe's. made in holland or something. not full of melamine!)

and finally there's the lofty stuff. the do-it-for-me, taking-care-of-myself, i'm-not-the-kind-of-mom-that-let's-herself-go sort of stuff.

so here goes.

round one: the crafts

1. update the boys' baby books - what this means?

• fill out the replacement one i purchased for my oldest son (the original was filled out in different colored pens, at different points in his life, and was overwhelming sometimes because it spanned his entire FIRST FIVE YEARS and i wasn't very good at keeping up with it after he was three, and some of the entries are really sloppy. i found an almost exact replica of the same book on ebay two years ago and have yet to do anything with it, so i must!)
• fill out the baby book i decided to use for my second son, while referring to old journal entries and the baby calendar that i tried to fill out *religiously* every month of his first year (the book i decided on was originally for the baby, but my mom got me a really sweet one for christmas and i realized the john lennon one i intended to use for my second son was also one of those FIRST FIVE YEARS sort of books and who has time for that? it's a baby book. the first year or two are sufficient!)
• fill out the baby's book, every month. set aside a certain day to reflect on the previous month and keep it up, so i don't have to go back 3 or 13 years later and work on it.

2. print more digital pictures at walgreens, finish the disneyworld scrapbooks for the two older boys from our trip in oh? september of 2007. then actually begin actual scrapbooks for all three boys.

3. paint more. make at least two paintings. that's doable.

4. make prints of a few paintings and list on etsy.

5. use collage materials i've been collecting forever and make a collage. it's been years!

6. start to collect alcohol paints and explore that medium!

round two: mindful, present parenting

1. seriously go to the park, take nature walks, and explore the outdoors much more than i ever have. make a point to use our annual biopark passes at least once a month and spend the day at the zoo or aquarium, not just an hour or two.

2. structure. structure. structure. i don't like the word "schedule." i don't have a job and therefore shouldn't have to adhere to one but -and this is huge- kids thrive on structure and routine and i know this. i've used my pain as an excuse not to be more structured because i never know how i'm going to feel, but before this pregnancy, it was my school schedule or whatever else i could think of to excuse the fact that i'm not very structured. i could benefit from this, too, obviously and i have some ideas on how to incorporate it in the coming year, so i'm going to give them a try.

3. letting the most important people to me, know they're important, more often. i can't remember if that concept came to me from an inspirational email from my mother or from a natural parenting article i read but it's really hit home for me. blogging and keeping up with online friends shouldn't take up so much time when there are more important things to attend to!

4. finish reading the Enki foundation guides and prepare for preschooling the toddler in the fall. also finish "scream-free parenting" and "buddhism for mothers" which i seem to pick up every now and then but have never read from start to finish in all the years i've had it.

5. declutter even more. i have made sure there was more space in our tiny little house. i have made my craft supplies more accessible. and there is still more to do. this falls under this heading because i fully believe when there is "less stuff" around, there will be "less stuff" to focus on, worry about, and deal with and therefore more time to just enjoy my kids and play with them without the ever-oppressive feeling of guilt that i should be doing more.

and finally, the "lofty" make time for me and my health goals:

1. going to the dentist after this baby is born and getting my first cleaning in three or so years

2. regular stretching, yoga, pilates even though this means doing it AT HOME, with a video, as boring and uninspiring as that can be. it's my health that's important and besides, i'm not always that motivated to leave the house just to take a class, though once i'm there, i'm dedicated. maybe i will somehow feel the same way once that DVD is in the player!

3. have a monthly MNO or solo outing. and by solo, i mean with the baby. i miss being able to go to barnes and noble and browse whatever i want to, for however long i want to without having to sit in the hard wooden chairs next to the train table, or on the low wooden benches in the other part of the kids' section. i need some "me" time and even if my mate isn't able to make time for himself, much less for me, i need to do something and can hopefully rely on my little (grown-up) sister. i don't really "pay" her when she watches the toddler while i do my bookkeeping stuff but i would pay to get out for a few hours once a month!

4. i will take more baths!

5. i will give myself at-home pedicures more often - this is a must!

6. i will really try to make getting a massage every now and then a priority!

7. i have finally come to accept that i may never be a huge fan of tea like i've envisioned myself as being so i can enjoy the occasional cup of coffee but not let it become a daily need.

wrapping up and my new journal

day before yesterday, my toddler decided he wanted to paint.

his requests included statments like: will you get the painting stuff for me, please?
and: i really like to paint.

he's done so maybe twice, which is a sad admission since there was a time that i, myself, painted frequently - but taking out my paints and cleaning up afterward is a different animal than taking out paints for a child, letting them explore their creative genius, and cleaning up after them.

i think the word is anal, and that is what i tend to become when watching children paint. i want them to hold the brush just so. i want them to avoid dripping and dropping - even though i, myself, am guilty of sometimes making a mess. i want them to choose colors carefully, colors that actually complement one another and don't turn into a brown, mushy mess on the surface.

i breathe. i think about it. i use every opportunity i have with this toddler of mine to relinquish all expectations and judgments about art or how "arts and crafts" should be handled. backstory: when i was a child, i had to color in the lines or my mom would often just color for me. at three years old i was very distraught because i couldn't make the pages in my coloring books look as perfect as she could. i tried and i tried and to this day i am not the artist she is. of course, i have long ago given up a desire for perfection in my artwork (but not in other areas of my life) but i am still somewhat envious of how she can exact a colored pencil to do just what she wants it to do. she's not afraid of pressing too hard or wearing it down to nothing, another thing i need to get over. i tell myself, you know, they make more. and yet i'm still afraid to use my supplies until they're gone. don't know what that's about and i'm not interested in exploring that. so excuse my morning tangent...(this is why i should post only at night, but i had all this stuff to share and for two nights in a row, i've been too tired to get to it).

so, tangent over. i decided i would, in fact, let my toddler paint. i decided it would be a christmas present for his papa. we had done something similar for his papa's birthday, afterall. i was prepared to offer only minimal guidance and not hover, instruct, or criticize. and as always, i'd add only the tiniest of tiny, finishing touches.

i went into my craft closet to gather supplies and noticed the back of the box that my toddler's (as of yet incomplete) baby book came in. i didn't know what i'd been saving it for, nothing in particular, just for some future art project - and so it became the canvas. the sides would serve not only as mess prevention, but also a cute bordered frame. so i grabbed some crayola poster paints i got in a surprise swap once upon a time and i set about giving my child the tools to create.




next i decided we needed a way to hang this, so i found my cool memory makers multi-tip punch and made some holes for future eyelet placement...



and i let the toddler go about his business...




i thought i had taken a picture of the mostly finished project but there wasn't another on my camera. it looks great, though i still need to affix those eyelets (grommets? whatever they are) and apply some sort of something to the outer edge of the box to fancy up the "frame" - this will be done today at some point.

afterward, i was still feeling crafty and realized that christmas was coming relatively soon, so we finally got around to making the cards for my oldest son and my younger siblings. i picked up some two-pack DIY card kits in the dollar section at target. not sure i'll do that again since they're cute and all, but kind of blah - the adhesives aren't really good quality and yes! i expected more, even at 50 cents a piece. they look cute, though - and while i had this vision of letting my almost three-year old go all out and do *whatever* he pleased, in reality i had to unstick a few stickers and place them right side up, or where i thought they looked better. so not that complete free-spirited influence on my children, but i am making the effort and that's all that counts, right? right?

so now i'm thinking they look too polished to say a two year old did them, but mostly he did :)



that day i also *finally* got around to blocking the scarf i had made my mate for christmas. it had been done for a couple of weeks, at least, but i had set it aside and never got around to the finishing touches. so i wove in the ends of the yarn and put it to soak. i'm not sure why, even after blocking, it wants to roll in on itself - it may be the nature of the pattern or that my "blocking" was haphazard - but my real worry is that it will be too itchy for my man. the yarn felt soft in the skein, but not so much, once knitted.



i told him if he didn't like it, i'd eventually make him another, though it may be too warm to wear a scarf by the time it was complete. i really like the scarf askew pattern, though, so maybe he'll get a new one every christmas.


and because i take very little time to start creative projects by myself and for myself, i bought myself a pretty little journal yesterday. i didn't *need* one, as i have plenty of gorgeous journals already, but this one spoke to me. and i wanted something i could reserve just for this last leg of my pregnancy - and i had a journal i often referred to but it has become not so much an inspirational and uplifting book, but one full of complaints, half-hearted thoughts and incomplete musings. it's like the composition book i carried around when i was fifteen, full of all sorts of things, but not one single purpose, not anything i'd want to share with anyone else.

so. this journal jumped out and bit me with its beauty.




i hemmed and hawed and had several other pretty paper things in my hand (that's why i go to anthropolgie, really. the gorgeous $328 sweaters do very little for me, but their children's books and staionary. HEAVEN!) and i was careful to only select the most perfect thing. nothing was more than $12 and the price wasn't even an issue (though had the journal been $20, i probably would have set it back down so fast one might have thought my hand was on fire). then i turned it around, after flipping through the inside and loving the block print and the pink, green, and brown pages but not so sure about the lines. i prefer unlined pages in most cases. anyhow, i turn the journal around and this really gets me...



"where troubles melt like lemon drops" - it was my mom who pointed out that that's from "somewhere over the rainbow" - i just thought it was eclectic and a soft reminder that i need not worry and focus so much on fear and negativity during this painful, but beautiful journey - i have yet to decide if i'm only going to fill it with positive things, part of me wants to use it as a companion to birthing from within since i don't have the journal specifically created for that purpose. but i'm not sure i want to explore my fears here. and the pain i'm in will serve as a permanent memory within my mind, body, and spirit that i need not record it's every happening - why not relish in the delightful and reserve a little spot for it to exist in its own right? well that's the kind of question that comes to mind when this journal is in my hand!

yesterday was a good day and things seemed to come together well. we chose a name for the new baby and i carved out some time after my toddler was asleep to write about it...



and even if i might not be too careful about whether or not the contents of this journal be seen by others, for now it's private ;)


now i'm off to make a list for the day, attempt to follow it, and wrap as many gifts as i can with a toddler underfoot.

my house may not be clean but...

my loving mate brought me home a winter bouquet tonight, with my favorite flowers - lilies. though only one was open, i suspect the others will bloom beautifully.



and i made my first batch of from-scratch chicken stock tonight. i didn't cook a whole chicken but used the bones and skin from a chicken we roasted the other night. there was more meat on the bones than i thought so i made note: don't add veggie scraps when there will be meat to salvage. or else it's messy and takes forever to seperate.

but aside from the hassle that is removing carrot peel from very, very soft chicken, the results are prettiful!

see?



tomorrow we will be having chicken noodle soup and potato rolls for dinner. yum!


i've been working on the pinwheel blanket as often as i can and i'm reconsidering my lengthy estimate. who knows when i'll finish, but i know it would be a lot sooner if my interchangeable needles didn't come apart at the cable extender. it's happened at least four times and i drop stitches and because of the nature of the pattern, i literally lost a stitch once and worked about an inch outward until i realized that i was off by one stitch (after i had more than 120 stitches on the needles, i stopped counting the number of stitches in each of the ten sections). i was quite frustrated but i just picked up another and kept working after my oldest son reminded me that it was for me, not a customer. and who was going to notice anyway? hopefully when the blanket is all spread out it isn't terribly obvious, because after all the frustration i wasn't about to frog back to that mistake, and i had already convinced myself that that would be insane even before my son tried to reassure me that it was okay.

you can't really tell how large the cicumference is, but this is what the progress looks like so far:




and now it's a little bit after eleven, and this crafty mama is also a tired mama. i'm not really looking forward to trying to sleep in a semi-upright position but that "severe hip butt thigh pain" has made the last three nights something i never want to go through again. i'm going to try this to see if it's easier to get up in the middle of the night and in the morning. it seems every time i find a tactic for dealing with the pain, it only lasts a few days, but until i can get an appointment for physical therapy i've got to do something. and on that note, instead of sharing more of my crafty mc craftiness, i am off to brush my teeth and try out my experimental sleeping position.

my first baby blanket and other crafty bits...

i am pregnant with my third and, most likely, my last child.

another boy, so i'm told.

and since i had not the courage last time i was pregnant to knit this gorgeous, pinwheel blanket, i've decided to give it a go this time around.

to commemorate this final passage of mine through pregnancy and childbirth.

i figure i'm halfway through this gestational period, so i have plenty of time to complete the blanket. i had a rough start with it, despite being somewhat of a self-professed "experienced knitter" and i blame pregnancy brain. i had to undo the thing and start over several times. more than ten, to be as exact as possible without being terribly embarrassed. i'm not even sure what the problems were but not reading the pattern correctly was one of them. anyhow, finally off to a great start and it's fast knitting, but i cannot sit for long periods of time thanks to what i call, and have googled, "severe butt thigh hip pain in pregnancy." that particular search led me to this particular website and i am so relieved to read through these experiences of other women and know that i am not alone. not crazy. not dying of some horrible disease. i'm just pregnant, with misaligned hips and back problems probably exacerbated by my improperly balanced pelvis. the stories from the women that can hardly move in bed, take 10 minutes to get out of bed and make it to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and often end up in tears? yeah, i could have written them. the point being that sitting for an extended period of time, or even ten minutes, can be excruciating but i refuse to knit standing up. so, under normal, non-pregnant circumstances, i'd expect to finish a project of this magnitude in a month's time but right now i'm not planning on being done until my last twenty weeks are almost over.

it will probably even take precedence over knitting diaper covers because we're pretty set on newborn sizes and i can always knit away the soakers once the baby is enjoying life outside the womb.

part of me feels a little guilty that i didn't knit one for my toddler or my almost-teenager. but knitting was probably the furthest thing from my mind when i was pregnant the first time. and when i was pregnant a few years ago, i was only learning to knit and more often than not, whatever i was working on ended up being thrown across the room after a few choice swear words escaped my lips. i remember my fiance looked at me one night and said, "i thought knitting was supposed to be relaxing." it is, i assured him, once you know what you're doing.

so when he told me to put the blanket down the other night, walk away from it, and start over later, i glared at him. a knitter, especially a frustrated one, will not give up. i worked continuously until dinner was ready and i was confident that no more mistakes would be made.

it is coming along beautifully, in a gorgeous organic cotton that was supposed to turn into a scarf for my father last christmas that i never got around to making. oops.

today my crafting included pulling out some stockmar modeling beeswax that i found while looking for something else in my craft closet. i didn't realize i had two boxes of the beeswax so i decided to test it out as i'd not yet played with it. i gave my almost-teenager a little piece to see if he could warm it up enough to make pliable because it seemed stiff enough to be impossible. i was trying the same thing but soon passed over that responsibility to my toddler who was absolutely delighted.

he pressed and pressed until i gave in and gave him a bit more. than a bit of another color. and another. and another. so we had before us the first layer, or four pieces of beeswax, that come in the stockmar box of 16 assorted colors. i was feeling like i lacked sincere creativity, my toddler was having fun making blueberries and ta-may-mays (also known as tomatoes), and my almost-teenager was making a lovely pregnant lady sculpture and then, later, a fairy for me.

that was one of those moments where i let anything happen, reminding myself that i can't hoard my expensive art supplies simply because they're pretty to look at in their own right. it feels good every time i can do that and i suspect that my studies of buddhism have really helped me be less uptight about stuff like that, but eventually i grew bored because, like i said, i feel like i'm lacking in a certain department. so i let the boys continue their projects until dinner was almost ready.

when it came time to clean up, i realized why so many people prefer their crayola and play-doh brand sculpting materials. it eventually came off of our tiled table with some yummy smelling, cherry scrub from shaklee but i much prefer water and towel clean-ups. i'm not sure what alternative surface i will require the beeswax play to occur on next time, but i figure it will be a long while before i bring it out again.